the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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