and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
