i can't believe i had my finger in that
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
