It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
