I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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