ADVERTISEMENT

• (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

  Fav 49 4622 2024

  share tweet
  

• (815): View more from Illinois

  $1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

  (212): View more from New York

  Please take video.

  Fav 13 6833 987

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (443): View more from Maryland

  you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

  Fav 7 2000 3654

  share tweet
  

• (605): View more from South Dakota

  Her vagina smelled like chicken

  (1-605): View more from South Dakota

  why do you say that

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  chicken smells like everything

  Fav 43 1109 3911

  share tweet
  

• (702): View more from Nevada

  Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

  Fav 15 6386 1511

  share tweet
  

• (520): View more from Arizona

  The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.

  Fav 5 2652 1335

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (519): View more from Ontario

  Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

  Fav 13 1729 5611

  share tweet
  

• (507): View more from Minnesota

  currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.

  Fav 9 2161 1044

  share tweet
  

• (479): View more from Arkansas

  Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

  Fav 5 2136 896

  share tweet
  

• (408): View more from California

  I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.

  Fav 7 1657 824

  share tweet
  

• (352): View more from Florida

  I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

  Fav 16 2943 1346

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (520): View more from Arizona

  He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".

  Fav 8 2106 1277

  share tweet
  

• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off

  Fav 2 810 591

  share tweet
  

• (217): View more from Illinois

  Do one night stands count towards my number?

  (516): View more from New York

  Yes. A penis is a penis

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Even bad ones?

  (516): View more from New York

  YES.

  Fav 0 883 655

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body

  Fav 0 65 5

  share tweet
  

Randomize