my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
