Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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