happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
