im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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