I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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