He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
