Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
