I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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