At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i've created a new STD.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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