Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
