I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
