I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
