So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
