Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
