If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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