this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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