u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
