He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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