People with herpes should wear stickers.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
