I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
