Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
