and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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