I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
