i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
