It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
