Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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