Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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