So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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