My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
