mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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