I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
