Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's official drugs can't kill me
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
