I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
