My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
