I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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