I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
