Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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