He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
