gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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