sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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