dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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