I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
