hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
