no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
