he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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