well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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